By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Feb. 5, 2010.1.11PM
All models of the Dow Jones Industrial Average were recalled for repairs to the boom-bust mechanism after mounting reports of incidents due to stuck accelerators.
How the index will be repaired is not yet clear. While some blame herd mechanics, others say computer systems are causing uncontrolled speeding and extreme slumps. Previously implemented solutions, like changing the wall-to-wall carpeting on trading floors, are now seen as either obsolete or ineffective.
Congress will hold hearings about the problem. In the meantime, the President proposed breaking up the Dow into its component parts so that it will be too small to matter. He called for a bi-partisan commission to put an end to gyrations in the stock market.
New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo’s office issued a statement that the Dow will be investigated for over-accelerating and causing losses to shareholders. The prosecutor says indictments will be brought if necessary. The index has been subpoenaed and ordered to surrender its passport.
Experts say the Dow is likely to go nowhere for some time, leaving millions of nest egg owners stranded. “It’s like having raw egg on your face,” says Joshua Joshing of Dunkel University.
Josie Bitty of Long Island says she can’t sleep because of the uncertainty surrounding the Dow. Her attorney, Bill Bouncy, said he will start a class action suit for his clients.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Banks to be Split into Neutrons
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 29, 2010. 9.09AM
A federal program called the Manhattan Project has developed a way to achieve financial fission, according to sources that cannot be named because they were authorized to leak information only anonymously. A team of scientists have been working on the top-secret project for almost a year and are now close to completing it.
This will solve the too-big-to-fail problem by transforming banks into neutrons that will be too small to do anything. The sources say that the new method will make financial crises a thing of the past.
Once the nuclear reaction is achieved, banks will no longer be observable except by specialized instruments. They will be shipped to an underground storage vault in Nevada and kept under regulatory control so that they won’t form whole atoms again.
While the fission will cause some radiation, the effect of this will be kept to a minimum by scheduling re-runs of the reality show Jersey Shore for a whole day. Scientists have established that everybody will stay at home watching the Jersey Shore re-runs.
“Nobody will even notice the orange mushroom cloud over Manhattan,” says a source. However, in case anyone notices, they will be able to dial a toll-free number or go to a website to get subsidized psychiatric services.
The Federal United Commission for Knowledge estimates that program will save $789 billion over the next 10 years by making bank bailouts unnecessary.
A federal program called the Manhattan Project has developed a way to achieve financial fission, according to sources that cannot be named because they were authorized to leak information only anonymously. A team of scientists have been working on the top-secret project for almost a year and are now close to completing it.
This will solve the too-big-to-fail problem by transforming banks into neutrons that will be too small to do anything. The sources say that the new method will make financial crises a thing of the past.
Once the nuclear reaction is achieved, banks will no longer be observable except by specialized instruments. They will be shipped to an underground storage vault in Nevada and kept under regulatory control so that they won’t form whole atoms again.
While the fission will cause some radiation, the effect of this will be kept to a minimum by scheduling re-runs of the reality show Jersey Shore for a whole day. Scientists have established that everybody will stay at home watching the Jersey Shore re-runs.
“Nobody will even notice the orange mushroom cloud over Manhattan,” says a source. However, in case anyone notices, they will be able to dial a toll-free number or go to a website to get subsidized psychiatric services.
The Federal United Commission for Knowledge estimates that program will save $789 billion over the next 10 years by making bank bailouts unnecessary.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Air Czar Has Foolproof Plan
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 21, 2010. 1.00AM
The newly appointed airline security chief outlined a detailed blueprint that will guarantee there will be no more incidents on planes or airports. Her quick response won accolades from pundits and members of Congress.
This plan will reduce safety problems by 100%, said Czar Airhead. While it will require some initial funding, it will reduce security costs over 10 years, according to a study by the Federal United Commission for Knowledge.
“We have to deal decisively with the problem of security breaches,” argued the czar. “We’ve figured out how to achieve complete security. People who criticize our plan have no way to do this.”
As part of the plan, the number of civilian flights will be reduced in stages. This may take a year or longer, with international lines given priority for flight reduction, Ms. Airhead said. Eventually there will be no civilian flights left. At that stage, planes will be broken up and airports demolished.
Senator Van Trillin said he will introduce a bill to provide full authority to ground all planes and close airports, except for those serving government personnel and members of Congress. “This is the best solution I’ve see,” he said. “And it has the added benefit of creating demand for Detroit.”
The newly appointed airline security chief outlined a detailed blueprint that will guarantee there will be no more incidents on planes or airports. Her quick response won accolades from pundits and members of Congress.
This plan will reduce safety problems by 100%, said Czar Airhead. While it will require some initial funding, it will reduce security costs over 10 years, according to a study by the Federal United Commission for Knowledge.
“We have to deal decisively with the problem of security breaches,” argued the czar. “We’ve figured out how to achieve complete security. People who criticize our plan have no way to do this.”
As part of the plan, the number of civilian flights will be reduced in stages. This may take a year or longer, with international lines given priority for flight reduction, Ms. Airhead said. Eventually there will be no civilian flights left. At that stage, planes will be broken up and airports demolished.
Senator Van Trillin said he will introduce a bill to provide full authority to ground all planes and close airports, except for those serving government personnel and members of Congress. “This is the best solution I’ve see,” he said. “And it has the added benefit of creating demand for Detroit.”
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Health Bill to Cover Zombies
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 16, 2010. 1.11AM
A population that has been neglected until now will be entitled to subsidized medical insurance in the new healthcare bill that is making its way through Congress. A provision added to the proposed law provides money to pay for zombies who cannot afford insurance.
Senator Pat Patsy, who agreed to vote for the bill after the zombie provision was put in, said healthcare reform would have been terribly deficient without this program. “Zombies need medical care,” he said. “There have been countless flesh-eating incidents because they’re not getting enough services.”
A zombie group, Beyond the Grave, has been lobbying for the inclusion of the dead in the health bill. “Just because they’re deceased is no reason to ignore their right to healthcare,” said Senator Patsy. He rejected the accusation, voiced by some bloggers, that he pushed for the program because of campaign donations from Beyond the Grave.
Space Czar Kirk Spox, whose agency analyzed the cost of covering zombies, said the subsidy will save money by creating a database to be used to understand zombie feeding habits. “Once we have all the data in, we’ll be able to reduce the cost of flesh eating by making it more efficient,” he said.
Media stories about walking corpses without insurance have raised public concern about the problem. Columnist Cherry Bing, who broke the news in The Dried Tomato, argues that zombies require more medical services because of their special needs. “Once you’re dead, you need a lot of blood,” she says.
A population that has been neglected until now will be entitled to subsidized medical insurance in the new healthcare bill that is making its way through Congress. A provision added to the proposed law provides money to pay for zombies who cannot afford insurance.
Senator Pat Patsy, who agreed to vote for the bill after the zombie provision was put in, said healthcare reform would have been terribly deficient without this program. “Zombies need medical care,” he said. “There have been countless flesh-eating incidents because they’re not getting enough services.”
A zombie group, Beyond the Grave, has been lobbying for the inclusion of the dead in the health bill. “Just because they’re deceased is no reason to ignore their right to healthcare,” said Senator Patsy. He rejected the accusation, voiced by some bloggers, that he pushed for the program because of campaign donations from Beyond the Grave.
Space Czar Kirk Spox, whose agency analyzed the cost of covering zombies, said the subsidy will save money by creating a database to be used to understand zombie feeding habits. “Once we have all the data in, we’ll be able to reduce the cost of flesh eating by making it more efficient,” he said.
Media stories about walking corpses without insurance have raised public concern about the problem. Columnist Cherry Bing, who broke the news in The Dried Tomato, argues that zombies require more medical services because of their special needs. “Once you’re dead, you need a lot of blood,” she says.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Ancient Documents Depict Advanced Civilization
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 7, 2010. 7.17PM
A stack of old magazines were unearthed last week in the basement of a house in Park Slope, Brooklyn, where they were apparently forgotten and preserved for decades underneath piles of empty beer bottles and potato chip bags.
Historians say the printed papers, while fragile, are readable and provide invaluable insights into a long-ago society that has disappeared in the mists of time. The cache consists of issues of an ancient print publication called The Onion, believed to be a high-quality source of news for the intelligentsia of the era.
The stories suggest a highly sophisticated political system that provided checks and balances while at the same time entertaining the masses. For instance, an issue dated February 4-10, 1999, leads with the headline, “Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor—‘We Must Know Exactly What Happened,’ Say Legislators.”
Some Onion pieces show a society where there was a natural progression from youthful infatuation with exotic philosophies to solid financial achievement later in life. Thus the September 17-23, 1997, Dow section reports: “The Dow dropped 32 points after it embraced Marxism-Leninism, but then steadily rebounded after graduating, getting married and taking a job in its father-in-law’s brokerage firm.”
Other news items indicate the early stages of trends that continued to gain momentum to this day. “Piece of Road Debris Starts Own Website,” says The Onion’s CyberWatch for January 15-21, 1997, reporting an event that was then unusual but has now become commonplace.
Thanks, Raymond.
...
A stack of old magazines were unearthed last week in the basement of a house in Park Slope, Brooklyn, where they were apparently forgotten and preserved for decades underneath piles of empty beer bottles and potato chip bags.
Historians say the printed papers, while fragile, are readable and provide invaluable insights into a long-ago society that has disappeared in the mists of time. The cache consists of issues of an ancient print publication called The Onion, believed to be a high-quality source of news for the intelligentsia of the era.
The stories suggest a highly sophisticated political system that provided checks and balances while at the same time entertaining the masses. For instance, an issue dated February 4-10, 1999, leads with the headline, “Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor—‘We Must Know Exactly What Happened,’ Say Legislators.”
Some Onion pieces show a society where there was a natural progression from youthful infatuation with exotic philosophies to solid financial achievement later in life. Thus the September 17-23, 1997, Dow section reports: “The Dow dropped 32 points after it embraced Marxism-Leninism, but then steadily rebounded after graduating, getting married and taking a job in its father-in-law’s brokerage firm.”
Other news items indicate the early stages of trends that continued to gain momentum to this day. “Piece of Road Debris Starts Own Website,” says The Onion’s CyberWatch for January 15-21, 1997, reporting an event that was then unusual but has now become commonplace.
Thanks, Raymond.
...
Monday, January 4, 2010
Airline Safety Czar Named, Tightens Rules
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 4, 2010. 4.14PM
The government responded to the latest airplane bombing threat by creating a new Czar to oversee plane safety. Tiffany Bighead was appointed to the position and has already made many changes to improve security.
Passengers will have to use toilets before boarding, take off all their clothes and have no food or drink so that they don't need to go the restroom again on board. Once on the plane, they will stay strapped in their seats until landing. They will refrain from moving their limbs, opening their eyes or breathing too heavily.
“We’ve made huge improvements in safety,” Ms. Bighead said. “Obviously, there have been security lapses before, but we’ve taken care of all the problems now.”
The Federal Agency for Renaming Solutions had to work overtime to develop the title for this latest addition to Washington’s growing contingent of über officials. FARS says the work is complete and the moniker for the new Czarina has been approved. She is to be called Airhead.
Ms. Bighead said that as Airhead, she will make sure that airline passengers are protected against terrorism, even if they have to die from the bursting of their bladders. “We have everything so totally under control,” she said. “If someone dies from some bladder problem, we’ll be ready to shove them into a body bag without any gross scene.”
....
Christine--thanks so much for the ideas.
...
The government responded to the latest airplane bombing threat by creating a new Czar to oversee plane safety. Tiffany Bighead was appointed to the position and has already made many changes to improve security.
Passengers will have to use toilets before boarding, take off all their clothes and have no food or drink so that they don't need to go the restroom again on board. Once on the plane, they will stay strapped in their seats until landing. They will refrain from moving their limbs, opening their eyes or breathing too heavily.
“We’ve made huge improvements in safety,” Ms. Bighead said. “Obviously, there have been security lapses before, but we’ve taken care of all the problems now.”
The Federal Agency for Renaming Solutions had to work overtime to develop the title for this latest addition to Washington’s growing contingent of über officials. FARS says the work is complete and the moniker for the new Czarina has been approved. She is to be called Airhead.
Ms. Bighead said that as Airhead, she will make sure that airline passengers are protected against terrorism, even if they have to die from the bursting of their bladders. “We have everything so totally under control,” she said. “If someone dies from some bladder problem, we’ll be ready to shove them into a body bag without any gross scene.”
....
Christine--thanks so much for the ideas.
...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Reindeer Snooped Deals, Suit Says
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Dec. 28, 2009. 1.11PM
Dasher, a well-known reindeer at Santa Claus Inc., used practice sleigh rides around Manhattan to look into law offices and collect information about coming mergers and acquisitions, according to a lawsuit filed today.
In the suit, Vixen alleges that Dasher, who was her common-law husband, lied to her about his wealth during a divorce settlement. She is demanding an additional $300 million as her share of marital assets. The court filing describes Dasher’s nocturnal visits to New York office windows as a source of inside information and large profits.
Tipped off by the suit, regulators have started to investigate sleigh rides in the sky taken by various members of Santa Claus Inc., including the movements of chief executive officer Sant Claus, who already faces an investigation into his tax returns and secret bank accounts held in the North Pole.
The Federal United Commission for Knowledge has subpoenaed all communications between Mr. Claus, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf, as well as any conversations, faxes and emails to and from Raj Rajaratnam, the hedge fund manager.
Rudolf in particular appears to have nosed around the windows of offices where non-public documents were lying on the desks, says a person close to the investigation, who asked not to be identified because this information has to be leaked anonymously.
Dasher, a well-known reindeer at Santa Claus Inc., used practice sleigh rides around Manhattan to look into law offices and collect information about coming mergers and acquisitions, according to a lawsuit filed today.
In the suit, Vixen alleges that Dasher, who was her common-law husband, lied to her about his wealth during a divorce settlement. She is demanding an additional $300 million as her share of marital assets. The court filing describes Dasher’s nocturnal visits to New York office windows as a source of inside information and large profits.
Tipped off by the suit, regulators have started to investigate sleigh rides in the sky taken by various members of Santa Claus Inc., including the movements of chief executive officer Sant Claus, who already faces an investigation into his tax returns and secret bank accounts held in the North Pole.
The Federal United Commission for Knowledge has subpoenaed all communications between Mr. Claus, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf, as well as any conversations, faxes and emails to and from Raj Rajaratnam, the hedge fund manager.
Rudolf in particular appears to have nosed around the windows of offices where non-public documents were lying on the desks, says a person close to the investigation, who asked not to be identified because this information has to be leaked anonymously.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
