By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Mar. 5, 2010.7.15PM
The water in New York is suspected of containing substances that cause state and city politicians to misbehave themselves, according to the latest research from Dunkel University. The air in the state is also under investigation as a possible reason for sexual and financial improprieties by New York governors, assemblymen, congressmen and other office holders.
“We have not have yet identified the substances but we estimate that the chance there is something bad is 97.98%, given the number of incidents,” said Dunkel professor Joshua Joshing. “If it’s not in the water, it’d got to be in the air.”
The study is complicated because possible influences from other factors may be present. For instance, NY Rep. Charles Rangel may have caught something during his long naps on beaches while on lobbyist-sponsored vacations.
“We have to rule out exotic bugs and such that bite politicians and make them obstruct justice, hire call girls, take bribes or sexually harass employees,” Mr. Joshing said. “I’m looking to get the same Caribbean junkets as Mr. Rangel to investigate this on location.”
He suspects that other states like Illinois may also contain the same unknown water or air pollutants. “Once the cause is identified, a treatment can be found for the behavioral problems that our politicians suffer from and they can be cured,” he says.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Murder Victim’s Phone Record Found
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Feb. 27, 2010.1.13PM
MyMuffyPress.com posted what it claims is a taped call made from the Blackberry of Sheyba Hihisay shortly before she disappeared.
In the tape, the tattoo celebrity says she is frightened out of her mind. “He’s threatened to shut me up for good,” she says. A young man’s voice replies that she will have to go to the police and get a court order of protection. “He says nobody can protect me,” she replies in a hysterical voice. “I’m like totally paralyzed. I’m afraid to get out of bed.”
The young man tells her to stay calm and wait for him. “I’ll catch a plane tomorrow morning and we’ll go the police together,” he says.
Last year MyMuffyPress.com published supposed email messages from Senator Van Trillin to Hihisay, who became the star of reality show Ink Bonanza at age 16. Senator Trillin says trader clones faked emails to tarnish his reputation.
In the several months since Hihisay’s dead body was found at a meat curing plant, the police have said that they are investigating but have no definite suspect. A police spokesman said the tape will be analyzed for clues.
Among those investigated is Branardo, a Hollywood clone who was Hihisay's friend, the trader Min Max, who is suspected of taking bets on the identity of a man seen in a video with the tattoo star, and investment bank Goldman Sachs, which may have been involved in a derivatives deal with an insurance company that insured Hihisay’s tattoos.
The meat curing plant became a gathering point for Hihisay fans and was razed to the ground by its owner, Mortadella Group.
MyMuffyPress.com posted what it claims is a taped call made from the Blackberry of Sheyba Hihisay shortly before she disappeared.
In the tape, the tattoo celebrity says she is frightened out of her mind. “He’s threatened to shut me up for good,” she says. A young man’s voice replies that she will have to go to the police and get a court order of protection. “He says nobody can protect me,” she replies in a hysterical voice. “I’m like totally paralyzed. I’m afraid to get out of bed.”
The young man tells her to stay calm and wait for him. “I’ll catch a plane tomorrow morning and we’ll go the police together,” he says.
Last year MyMuffyPress.com published supposed email messages from Senator Van Trillin to Hihisay, who became the star of reality show Ink Bonanza at age 16. Senator Trillin says trader clones faked emails to tarnish his reputation.
In the several months since Hihisay’s dead body was found at a meat curing plant, the police have said that they are investigating but have no definite suspect. A police spokesman said the tape will be analyzed for clues.
Among those investigated is Branardo, a Hollywood clone who was Hihisay's friend, the trader Min Max, who is suspected of taking bets on the identity of a man seen in a video with the tattoo star, and investment bank Goldman Sachs, which may have been involved in a derivatives deal with an insurance company that insured Hihisay’s tattoos.
The meat curing plant became a gathering point for Hihisay fans and was razed to the ground by its owner, Mortadella Group.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Goldman Linked to Tattoo Murder
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Feb. 19, 2010.1.19PM
Goldman Sachs may have had dealings with the insurance company that insured Sheyba Hihisay’s tattoos before the Ink Bonanza reality show star disappeared. Her body was later found at a meat curing plant.
While she became famous for artistic skin art, Hihisay faced the problem that some of her earlier tattoos were fading. She took out hundreds of millions of dollars of insurance against their further deterioration, according to a person who was close to the star.
Her insurance company bought derivatives from Goldman Sachs, possibly to get protection against losses on the tattoo contracts. But the insurer lost money on its transactions with the bank and subsequently was bailed out by the government.
The derivatives transactions are being investigated by regulators, who found evidence in computer files that parts of the tattoos had faded. Regulators say they can’t reveal the name of the insurance company because they do not publicize information about ongoing investigations.
------------------------- FADING TATTOO ----------------------------------
Police detectives have been stumped by the tattoo murder and said they had not been aware of the Goldman connection.
Cherry Bing, a close friend of Hihisay and the author of a book about her titled Pink Limelight and Dark Shadows: The Sheyba Story, says it should not come as a surprise. “These Goldman guys are under any stone you lift,” she said.
Goldman also may be involved in another aspect of the tattoo scandal. It possibly provided brokerage services to fugitive trader Min Max, who is being sought for taking bets on the identity of a man seen in a video with Hihisay.
Goldman Sachs may have had dealings with the insurance company that insured Sheyba Hihisay’s tattoos before the Ink Bonanza reality show star disappeared. Her body was later found at a meat curing plant.
While she became famous for artistic skin art, Hihisay faced the problem that some of her earlier tattoos were fading. She took out hundreds of millions of dollars of insurance against their further deterioration, according to a person who was close to the star.
Her insurance company bought derivatives from Goldman Sachs, possibly to get protection against losses on the tattoo contracts. But the insurer lost money on its transactions with the bank and subsequently was bailed out by the government.
The derivatives transactions are being investigated by regulators, who found evidence in computer files that parts of the tattoos had faded. Regulators say they can’t reveal the name of the insurance company because they do not publicize information about ongoing investigations.
------------------------- FADING TATTOO ----------------------------------
Police detectives have been stumped by the tattoo murder and said they had not been aware of the Goldman connection.
Cherry Bing, a close friend of Hihisay and the author of a book about her titled Pink Limelight and Dark Shadows: The Sheyba Story, says it should not come as a surprise. “These Goldman guys are under any stone you lift,” she said.
Goldman also may be involved in another aspect of the tattoo scandal. It possibly provided brokerage services to fugitive trader Min Max, who is being sought for taking bets on the identity of a man seen in a video with Hihisay.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
New Olympics Proposed
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Feb. 14, 2010.2.14PM
Winter Olympics and summer Olympics may take the back seat to a novel global competition. Proponents says high-speed dating is ready for its own games.
A high-powered group is spearheading the effort, led by Hotty Nox. “The time has come for international dating games,” she said. “This area has advanced tremendously in the past 20 years and is now ready for the big leagues.”
As befits the romantic theme, the group announced the project on St. Valentine’s Day. Instead of medals, the new games will give out gold, silver and bronze rings.
Ms. Nox, well-known reality show producer and the head of the Federal United Commission for Knowledge’s Yes to Unity project, said the Love Olympics will promote global amity.
“We want everybody to be familiar with speed-dates,” she said. “Once we encourage talented individuals everywhere to work on ever-quicker romancing, some kid in a poor country could be a champion dater.”
As hook-ups migrated online and became automated, they have picked up speed. People now date online in as little as a minute, achieving in that time what used to take weeks or even months.
A study from Dunkel University estimates that dating times will further shorten in the next 10 years. Future dates may be over in a micro-second, with people connecting and disconnecting with large numbers of others across the world.
Winter Olympics and summer Olympics may take the back seat to a novel global competition. Proponents says high-speed dating is ready for its own games.
A high-powered group is spearheading the effort, led by Hotty Nox. “The time has come for international dating games,” she said. “This area has advanced tremendously in the past 20 years and is now ready for the big leagues.”
As befits the romantic theme, the group announced the project on St. Valentine’s Day. Instead of medals, the new games will give out gold, silver and bronze rings.
Ms. Nox, well-known reality show producer and the head of the Federal United Commission for Knowledge’s Yes to Unity project, said the Love Olympics will promote global amity.
“We want everybody to be familiar with speed-dates,” she said. “Once we encourage talented individuals everywhere to work on ever-quicker romancing, some kid in a poor country could be a champion dater.”
As hook-ups migrated online and became automated, they have picked up speed. People now date online in as little as a minute, achieving in that time what used to take weeks or even months.
A study from Dunkel University estimates that dating times will further shorten in the next 10 years. Future dates may be over in a micro-second, with people connecting and disconnecting with large numbers of others across the world.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Dow Recalled to Fix Out-of-Control Accelerator
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Feb. 5, 2010.1.11PM
All models of the Dow Jones Industrial Average were recalled for repairs to the boom-bust mechanism after mounting reports of incidents due to stuck accelerators.
How the index will be repaired is not yet clear. While some blame herd mechanics, others say computer systems are causing uncontrolled speeding and extreme slumps. Previously implemented solutions, like changing the wall-to-wall carpeting on trading floors, are now seen as either obsolete or ineffective.
Congress will hold hearings about the problem. In the meantime, the President proposed breaking up the Dow into its component parts so that it will be too small to matter. He called for a bi-partisan commission to put an end to gyrations in the stock market.
New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo’s office issued a statement that the Dow will be investigated for over-accelerating and causing losses to shareholders. The prosecutor says indictments will be brought if necessary. The index has been subpoenaed and ordered to surrender its passport.
Experts say the Dow is likely to go nowhere for some time, leaving millions of nest egg owners stranded. “It’s like having raw egg on your face,” says Joshua Joshing of Dunkel University.
Josie Bitty of Long Island says she can’t sleep because of the uncertainty surrounding the Dow. Her attorney, Bill Bouncy, said he will start a class action suit for his clients.
All models of the Dow Jones Industrial Average were recalled for repairs to the boom-bust mechanism after mounting reports of incidents due to stuck accelerators.
How the index will be repaired is not yet clear. While some blame herd mechanics, others say computer systems are causing uncontrolled speeding and extreme slumps. Previously implemented solutions, like changing the wall-to-wall carpeting on trading floors, are now seen as either obsolete or ineffective.
Congress will hold hearings about the problem. In the meantime, the President proposed breaking up the Dow into its component parts so that it will be too small to matter. He called for a bi-partisan commission to put an end to gyrations in the stock market.
New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo’s office issued a statement that the Dow will be investigated for over-accelerating and causing losses to shareholders. The prosecutor says indictments will be brought if necessary. The index has been subpoenaed and ordered to surrender its passport.
Experts say the Dow is likely to go nowhere for some time, leaving millions of nest egg owners stranded. “It’s like having raw egg on your face,” says Joshua Joshing of Dunkel University.
Josie Bitty of Long Island says she can’t sleep because of the uncertainty surrounding the Dow. Her attorney, Bill Bouncy, said he will start a class action suit for his clients.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Banks to be Split into Neutrons
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 29, 2010. 9.09AM
A federal program called the Manhattan Project has developed a way to achieve financial fission, according to sources that cannot be named because they were authorized to leak information only anonymously. A team of scientists have been working on the top-secret project for almost a year and are now close to completing it.
This will solve the too-big-to-fail problem by transforming banks into neutrons that will be too small to do anything. The sources say that the new method will make financial crises a thing of the past.
Once the nuclear reaction is achieved, banks will no longer be observable except by specialized instruments. They will be shipped to an underground storage vault in Nevada and kept under regulatory control so that they won’t form whole atoms again.
While the fission will cause some radiation, the effect of this will be kept to a minimum by scheduling re-runs of the reality show Jersey Shore for a whole day. Scientists have established that everybody will stay at home watching the Jersey Shore re-runs.
“Nobody will even notice the orange mushroom cloud over Manhattan,” says a source. However, in case anyone notices, they will be able to dial a toll-free number or go to a website to get subsidized psychiatric services.
The Federal United Commission for Knowledge estimates that program will save $789 billion over the next 10 years by making bank bailouts unnecessary.
A federal program called the Manhattan Project has developed a way to achieve financial fission, according to sources that cannot be named because they were authorized to leak information only anonymously. A team of scientists have been working on the top-secret project for almost a year and are now close to completing it.
This will solve the too-big-to-fail problem by transforming banks into neutrons that will be too small to do anything. The sources say that the new method will make financial crises a thing of the past.
Once the nuclear reaction is achieved, banks will no longer be observable except by specialized instruments. They will be shipped to an underground storage vault in Nevada and kept under regulatory control so that they won’t form whole atoms again.
While the fission will cause some radiation, the effect of this will be kept to a minimum by scheduling re-runs of the reality show Jersey Shore for a whole day. Scientists have established that everybody will stay at home watching the Jersey Shore re-runs.
“Nobody will even notice the orange mushroom cloud over Manhattan,” says a source. However, in case anyone notices, they will be able to dial a toll-free number or go to a website to get subsidized psychiatric services.
The Federal United Commission for Knowledge estimates that program will save $789 billion over the next 10 years by making bank bailouts unnecessary.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Air Czar Has Foolproof Plan
By Jennifer Kerfuffle, Universal News Co, Jan. 21, 2010. 1.00AM
The newly appointed airline security chief outlined a detailed blueprint that will guarantee there will be no more incidents on planes or airports. Her quick response won accolades from pundits and members of Congress.
This plan will reduce safety problems by 100%, said Czar Airhead. While it will require some initial funding, it will reduce security costs over 10 years, according to a study by the Federal United Commission for Knowledge.
“We have to deal decisively with the problem of security breaches,” argued the czar. “We’ve figured out how to achieve complete security. People who criticize our plan have no way to do this.”
As part of the plan, the number of civilian flights will be reduced in stages. This may take a year or longer, with international lines given priority for flight reduction, Ms. Airhead said. Eventually there will be no civilian flights left. At that stage, planes will be broken up and airports demolished.
Senator Van Trillin said he will introduce a bill to provide full authority to ground all planes and close airports, except for those serving government personnel and members of Congress. “This is the best solution I’ve see,” he said. “And it has the added benefit of creating demand for Detroit.”
The newly appointed airline security chief outlined a detailed blueprint that will guarantee there will be no more incidents on planes or airports. Her quick response won accolades from pundits and members of Congress.
This plan will reduce safety problems by 100%, said Czar Airhead. While it will require some initial funding, it will reduce security costs over 10 years, according to a study by the Federal United Commission for Knowledge.
“We have to deal decisively with the problem of security breaches,” argued the czar. “We’ve figured out how to achieve complete security. People who criticize our plan have no way to do this.”
As part of the plan, the number of civilian flights will be reduced in stages. This may take a year or longer, with international lines given priority for flight reduction, Ms. Airhead said. Eventually there will be no civilian flights left. At that stage, planes will be broken up and airports demolished.
Senator Van Trillin said he will introduce a bill to provide full authority to ground all planes and close airports, except for those serving government personnel and members of Congress. “This is the best solution I’ve see,” he said. “And it has the added benefit of creating demand for Detroit.”
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